This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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