there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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