when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
