Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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