Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
