Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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