Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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