currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
