I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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