I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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