My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
