yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
