When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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