Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
