Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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