at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
