I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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