either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
