he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
