I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
