from now on my penis is your penis
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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