DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
