do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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