I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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