were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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