a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She even gives head with a lisp.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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