Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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