I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
