I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
