Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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