Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
