____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize