Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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