You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
