He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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