WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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