He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
