You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
