It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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