i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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