He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
