Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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