Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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