2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You made out with two different species that night
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
