3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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