Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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