My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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