I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
