he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
