How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
