why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
