I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
