I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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