Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
