I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
