I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
