No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
