I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
