I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
