woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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